After lunch I went to my smoking point for my usual smoke break. The smoking point is where i go to whenever I answer calls or just need to take a breather from work. Nowadays, i got there to think of Kai.
The wind was exceptionately strong today and the weather was clear and fine. I stood there...alone..as the wind skimmed my sleeves and danced lightly on my skin. I closed my eyes and let the force of the wind push me back slightly... it was just like riding with Kai on his bike.. I knew he is not mine and will never be mine.
A tear rolled down my cheek.. this is eating me up inside, killing my very soul, but I will not breathe a word. He is a close friend and that's as far as it gets. Even if the truth kills me from within, my lips will be sealed forever..
Came into the office early today and spent the entire time before lunch setting up my blog. Fangs helped me with the html stuff in order to get the blogskin settled properly and she is really good at it! Admire her patience in helping me to get it done. Thanks girl! *winks*
Inoriz passed her driving license yesterday! So proud of her! That girl is always so negative when it comes to something that she has failed in previously. Her determination in weight loss is amazing. If only she could apply that to other aspects of her life.
The day before her driving test
SMS: "Very good, its pouring @ 4-5pm now. So chances r, tmr this time also will pour. Wich is my driving tet time wich i will fail. Yay! May be God dnt like me."
and the day after the test...
SMS: "Kal me asap"
*I was on the phone with Merg then.. a few seconds later*
SMS: "Oi! Y ur hp cant kal thru one?"
and that was when I knew she passed. Am really proud of you girl. Now we can take the kids to the beach!
We had dinner that day. Sirloin Steak at S11. It wasn't too bad, just simple and nice. After that, we went for a little walk and sat on the stone bench near Jubilee to talk. Inoriz and I will never run out of things to talk about. We an jsut go on and on till the point that every time we have to go home, we just dont want to leave.
Inoriz and I were buddies from secondary school. We drifted apart when I had to stay back in sec 3 and have not spoken since then. Until our principal's funeral about 2 years ago. It is a very morbid way to rekindle a friendship, but that funeral brought us all back together. Merg, Inoriz, Tag and Julz.
Although, Inoriz did not hang out with Tag and Merg in school, we still hit it off when we went for drinks and a bit after the funeral. Things have escalated after that, as we had more meet ups, sleep overs at my place and KTV and steamboat session on our birthdays.
Never thought much about you when we first met. Just thought that you were crazy and so bloody noisy and irritating. We became friends when I called you up one fine day because I was feeling like really lousy.
You picked me up slowly with all your words of encouragement. It was amazing how the tone of your voice soothe me. I could sit there all day just listening to you talk.
We got closer day by day. At times I would get really irritated with you because you and your bunch were not taking rehearsals seriously and were making everything out to be a joke. I would fight to be serious but after a while, I gave in and decided that if you can't beat them, join them.
That was a decision that I never regretted. It brought us all closer together and I have to admit that rehearsing a play your way is better then my way. You would always say "Relax ah", which is true. Not everything in life has to be taken seriously.
By the second production, I knew that that was when i was in trouble. I noticed myself taking more interest in the things you do, watching the way you work, laughing at all the jokes you made. You were always singing whereever you go. If you were not cracking silly jokes, you were singing.
That night, I saw you pull her onto your lap. I watched behind the curtains, refusing to believe it. Why were you guys so close? Then she finally told me one day that you guys were secretly attached. I accepted it because she is a darling friend and I loved her a lot. So I let it go..
But feelings kept resurfacing, everytime we were hanging out, everytime you sang to me, everytime you called me.
After a while, you started to have quarrels and disagreements with each other. There were so many external factors that were affecting your relationship that you wish you could just push away.
You would call me late at night and tell me how you felt. You never knew how many times I cried over the phone just listening to how hurt you were. I always told you," I want you to be happy. I don't like to see you upset cos it makes me really sad too." I would do anything just to see you smile.
You loved her so much that you wanted to take her to concerts and nice places, eventhough you didnt have the budget for it. I would loan you whatever you needed, even if it meant that I had none for myself. Anything that would make you happy.
The last straw was when we had to act opposite each other. I could never fully concentrate and look deep into your eyes because I was afraid that you would know how I feel. Every waking hour, every single rehearsal was torture. When we kissed, I was in total shock. I was so afraid that I would forget my lines. I would never forget the feeling of your lips on mine. So soft and tender...
It has been a long time since I have blogged. If you know me, I was once very against blogging as I felt that it is like exposing your personal diary to the whole world. But slowly I got the hang of it. When I feel the strong urge to blog, its usually isnt good as it would probably mean that I might not be doing so well.
Unlike Inoriz, my blog tends to be more depressing. Love reading her blog though. Its full of passion and her use of words animates the whole reading experience. I hardly reading anyone elses blogs cos I cant seem to get over the concept that it is very private and not meant to be "flipped through".
Another thing about blogs is that, due to its easy accessibility, it has caused a lot of problems between people. For one, in school I would always hear friends and people around me going "Do you know what ***** said on her blog? she said ****** *** ***. I mean wat the f*** man! Who does she think she is!"
And then, people start getting upset with each other and not wanting to talk to each other etc.
Get the drift?
Lets hope I nor you will have to fall into that situation anytime soon yeah? :)
I am a fatbulous girl who embraces every chance i get to pamper myself. I love great food, well done pedicures, relaxing spas and a good day out on the water with my trusty wakeboard!
